


October 31, 1981

by Loser_Angel_666



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Post-Marauders Era (Harry Potter)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:08:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22619146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loser_Angel_666/pseuds/Loser_Angel_666
Summary: It's Hallowe'en of 1981.There's a war being waged outside their windows and Death is sitting on the doorstep. But without hope, there isn't much to fight for.My version of how the fateful night went downWarning: there is death and crying and lots of sad (it isn't pretty)
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I have enough talent to make you cry, please let me know how you feel. I'm very sorry in advance
> 
> THANK YOU FOR READING 
> 
> feedback is welcomed
> 
> ENJOY!

Sirius threw his arm around Remus and took a drink of firewhiskey. James was bouncing little Prongslet on his knee, the cheesiest smile on his face. Harry had on a cute deer costume with an antler headband. The boy's second Halloween was going to be his best, after all, no one could know if it would be his last.

But Sirius hated to think that way. 

In the midst of a war there was little to be happy about. But somehow James always found it with those he loved. And Harry was his whole world. Sirius couldn’t judge though, the day Harry was born and when James and Lily asked him to be godfather was one of the best days of his life. 

“I know there isn’t much to celebrate, but James and I wanted Harry’s second Halloween to be great.” Lily said, smiling fondly at her husband and baby. 

“We all want little Prongsy to have the best Halloween ever, I hate to think that… one day- one day maybe- this won’t- we- you guys won’t be- I’m sorry… Do you have anything stronger to drink?” Peter stumbles over his words, tears glazing in his eyes.

“There isn’t much stronger than what you’ve got there Pete, but I think maybe we’ve got some of that muggle stuff left over.” James says, trying to ignore what had gotten Peter in such a state.

“I know where it is.” Remus says, sliding from Sirius’ arm and making his way into the kitchen. Sirius was used to Remus’ sad aura and his zoned out stares. They all were. But for the past few weeks, his mental health has been getting progressively worse. 

All of them had issues in that area, how could you not, considering what was going on around them? And Remus had had his fair share of issues since childhood. But there was something about the way he would go to bed only around 3 AM and get up at 5 only to pace around their living room or leave without a word to Sirius. It worried him. It worried all of them.

Sirius wanted more than anything in his life (besides the promise that they would all be okay) for Remus to not be the spy. He wanted to believe him. To be able to trust him. Actually, scratch that. That’s what worried Sirius most. Despite the fact that himself, James, and Lily, all believe Remus to be the spy, Sirius would still trust him with his life. Maybe not with James’ or Lily’s life. Certainly not with Harry’s. But Sirius couldn’t not trust Remus. 

So Sirius followed Remus into the kitchen.

“Goddammit,” Remus was hunched over the counter, the liquor cabinet open and he was rubbing the back of his head with one hand.

“You alright Moons?” Sirius asked, coming up behind him. Remus glances at him quickly before turning away from him again.

“Yup. Great. Just bumped my head.” Remus sighs and pulls out the bottle Peter wanted and shuts the cabinet. He then pulls out a glass, back still turned away from Sirius, and struggles to pop the lid off the bottle. Finally he manages to get it and pours a large amount into the glass with shaking hands. He then gets out another glass, pouring a smaller amount into that one. Remus puts down the bottle and puts the cork back in, then reaches for the glasses, but Sirius reaches around Remus and takes his hands, folding them in his own. 

Remus goes stiff, his back straight against Sirius’ chest, but Sirius keeps his arms wrapped firmly around the werewolf.

“Sirius what are you doing?” Remus asked eventually.

“I don’t say I love you enough.” Sirius says after a moment. Remus picks up their joined hands and presses them to his forehead. He begins to shake and Sirius presses closer, resting his head on Remus’ shoulder and closing his eyes, willing himself not to cry.

Then Remus pushes him away and whips back around to face Sirius. His eyes are filled with tears and he looks resigned. He looks defeated. He looks livid. Angry. 

“Don’t! Don’t you fucking dare!” He growls. Sirius feels his chest tighten. His stomach clenches. His worst nightmare. If he can’t save James and Lily and Harry, he can’t lose Remus too.

“I don’t…” But Remus cuts him off.

“I don’t care, Sirius. I don’t care. I don’t care anymore.” Remus turns around, one hand pressed to his forehead, then faces Sirius again. “ I can’t deal with you Pads. I can’t handle this anymore.”

“Can’t handle what?” Sirius asks, he can hear the heartbreak in his own voice.

“You.., being all… distant.” Remus says harshly.

“Me?” Sirius asks incredulously. “I’m the one being distant?” Sirius wipes tears from his eyes. Lowering his voice so the others can’t hear them. “Remus I’m not the one waking up early and leaving for no fucking reason! I’m not staying up till two in the morning so I can pace around or stay out on ‘top secret order missions’” Sirius says.

“They are order missions and they are top secret! What else can I say? How can I get you to trust me again?”

“I just want to know what’s going on with you. You haven’t talked to me in months about anything besides what you want for dinner, or what time we’re leaving to come here! I miss you.”

“How can I share stuff with you when we don’t know who the spy is? What if it’s you? What if I trust you and then James and Lily die because I trusted you and you gave it to Vol… Voldemort!” Remus takes in a large breath. “How can I know that they aren’t trusting a traitor with their location. You’re the secret keeper!” 

“Remus! I- I” He takes a shuddering breath. “I can’t ask you to trust me. I can’t ask that of you when I can’t trust you in return, but I promise. I promise with every shred of my being, that I would never do anything to hurt James or Lily or Harry. Or you.” Sirius says, hysterical now.

“I know. I know. I know.” Remus says, turning back around.

“Remus you do understand that I can’t believe you’re always out on order missions right?”

“It’s what they are Sirius.”

“So you’re saying the spy is Wormtail?” Sirius asks incredulously.

“I don’t know.” Remus sighs. 

“Me neither.” 

“I love you too.” Remus says eventually. Sirius doesn’t know what to do. It’s so fucking obvious that Remus is the spy. With the amount of times he leaves with no exlanation. The amount of excuses he’s made. All the times he says he can’t tell Sirius. How he apologizes every single time. How he doesn’t sleep. How they haven’t talked in months. 

But Sirius can’t find it in himself to commit to believing that Remus would betray them. But would Peter really do that to them?

“I love you too.” Sirius says again. Remus looks Sirius in the eye. Searching. And Sirius sees for a flicker of a second that he’s looking for the truth. And Sirius is looking too. But in a world that is being destroyed and corrupted by darkness and evil, truth is unheard of. 

When Sirius can’t even trust the people he grew up with… his chosen family. How is he supposed to live with himself if he gets one of them killed? He can’t trust his own goddamn boyfriend.

“I love you. Remus.” Sirius says again. Stepping closer. “ I don’t know… I can’t know if you are the spy. Or if it’s Peter. And you can’t trust that I’m not the spy, but that doesn’t stop me from loving you.” Sirius says. He wipes his eyes again. He wants to reach out and hold Remus’ hand but both of his hands are tucked into his sweaters’ sleeves and his arms are wrapped around himself.

“Me too.” Remus says. It’s small and cracked and desperate.

“You… I love you the same way I did when I was thirteen and didn’t even know the word gay. I love you the way I did when I was fourteen and realized you and James were the two most important people in my life in completely different ways.” Remus digs his fingers into his sides and looks down, Sirius hears him inhale deeply and blow out through his mouth. But Sirius keeps talking. Keeping his distance.

“I love you like I did when I was fifteen and I didn’t know what love was but I knew you felt different. And when I finally told James I was gay and he just looked at me and he knew. He knew it was you.” Sirius felt tears running down his own face now.

“I love you like I did when I was on that horrible date with that hufflepuff girl because Peter was insistent on getting me a girlfriend and I came back from it and we just sat on your bed and talked about muggle music. I love you like I did when you got me that muggle music player thing and then the four of us danced and we didn’t know we were in love but we danced together for hours.

“I love you the way I did when I was sixteen and my parents were yelling about how I was betraying their family name and how it was a disgrace that not only was I a gryffindor bloodtraitor but gay for my best friend and I just got up and left. I love you the way I did when I kissed you in seventh year for the first time.”

Remus is shaking with silent sobbs and Sirius has wetness running down his cheeks. When Remus notices Sirius stopped talking he looks up with red eyes and wipes at his tears. Turning around again and shaking his hair out with his hands before turning back to Sirius.

“Remus. I don’t know who to trust. And There is no doubt that our relationship has been fucked up for some time.”

“Did we really ever think we were going to work Sirius?” Remus asks.

“I did.” Sirius’ voice cracks. Remus never thought they would last. He feels a piece of his heart shatter but he takes a breath and looks back up at Remus.

“I do.” Sirius corrects.

“You can’t think like that Sirius.” Remus says shaking his head, his voice thick.

“I have to.” Sirius says pleadingly. “If I don’t have hope, I don’t have anything.”

“It’s dangerous. It could cause you to lose everything.”

“If I don’t have hope that you aren’t about to betray James and Lily… If I don’t have hope that we will be okay. And If I don’t have hope that Harry will be okay, then what is the point in fighting?” 

They stay staring at each other desperation clearly in their eyes. But they don’t go to each other. Sirius aches to hold Remus and Remus wants so badly to take Sirius’ hands. But they don’t. 

“The others are probably wondering where we are.” Remus says finally.

“They probably assumed we were doing this. Fighting. They saw us both leave. James knows us better than we want him too.” Sirius sighs, chuckling darkly, running his hands through his long hair.

“Right.” 

Another pause. Remus takes a big sip of the tall glass of muggle liquor he poured for himself, and picks up the other one and Sirius follows him into the living room. 

When they enter, everyone goes silent. James nods at them.

“You guys all set?” He asks, trying to be positive, but the pain is obvious to Sirius. He and James discussed with Lily, they all agreed that Remus was the most likely spy. Sirius hated conspiring against him, but the way he has been acting, it’s almost like it’s not Remus anymore. Their fight in the kitchen was the closest they’d come to seeing each other again in almost a year.

“As set as anyone can be.” Remus says quietly. Lily looked at them both with a sad smile and hugs Harry closer. She must have taken him from James while they were in the kitchen.

“Here Pete. The drink you wanted.”

“Right.” Peter takes the glass from Remus and takes a big gulp. “I just want you all to know that I love you. You’re my family, my best friends.” Peter says, looking down into the glass.

“We love you too Pete.” James says. Lily and Remus nod and Sirius mumbles an agreed “Me too” and then after a short moment of thought, Harry reaches for James again and starts giggling and nothing breaks the tension of a war like a happy baby. 

Except Sirius can’t shake the thought that Harry will have a horrible, horrible life. Whether Voldemort is defeated or he continues to destroy Harry’s life as he grows, or if the poor boy doesn’t even make it to his third birthday. 

Sirius knows Harry will suffer. He wants so badly to protect the small boy. To save him from evil. To keep him safe. But he knows that he can’t do that.

So The Marauders and Lily and Harry tried their hardest to pretend as if everything was normal. Like they were back in hogwarts. Like they were still in school. Still safe. Still had trust and hope on their side. 

Sirius and Remus were the first to stand up. 

“Harry…” Sirius said into Harry’s ear. Sirius had the small boy on his lap and was letting him play with his hair. “I need you to know that you are a strong, smart, and dashingly adorable little boy.” Sirius says in the lightest tone he can muster. “And Sirius wants you to know that he loves you with everything he has. Okay?” Harry looks up at Sirius and smiles. 

“Paddy!” The little boy giggles. 

“That’s right. Paddy loves you.”

“Give him here Pads?” Remus asks, holding out his arms. Sirius passes Harry to Remus, who hugs the little Prongs tight to his chest. 

“Harry, Uncle Moony loves you too. You’re only a teensy tiny little boy and you’ve already made us all so proud. You will be a wonderful little man one day.” Mooy says to Harry. Then Remus looks to Peter who doesn’t take Harry but instead pats Harry’s antler headband clad head.

“Harry Potter. I truly do want the best for you.” Peter says. “Love you little guy.”

They each then exchange hugs with Lily and James, acting as though this is the last time. Because they really do never know. And Sirius takes hold of Remus’ hand for the first time in such a long time, and he apparates them both home. 

Sirius and Remus both fall into bed. It’s easy. It’s normal. But it’s so wrong this time. Because Sirius has a churning in his gut and Remus doesn’t know what to think. He doesn’t know what to do. But he does trust Sirius.

Eventually they both sleep.

It’s around two thirty in the morning when the alarms go off. Sirius had them set up so that if anything ever happened at the Potters he could try to get there in time to help. 

Remus is shaking and pacing and Sirius is suddenly scrambling for his wand. 

“Remus! Tell someone! Dumbledore, Moody, Someone, get help.” Sirius yells, grabbing his wand. “Stay safe.”

Then he scrambles for his motorbikes keys. 

“Sirius!” Remus yells before Sirius can leave.

“Yeah?”

“It wasn’t me. I promise. I promise I promise. It wasn’t me.” Remus says, tears are filling his eyes. 

Sirius knows Remus. He knows it wasn’t him. He has to believe him. He does.

When he lands the flying bike outside the Potter's house the defense spells are down, that’s the first warning. But there is not yet a dark mark cast into the sky. Sirius raises his wand. He will die tonight if he has to.

(And he doesn’t yet know but a part of him does.)

He gets to the door, a blasting charm has already easily taken it off its hinges. 

All Sirius can hear is a light breeze pushing at the curtains and his heart beating. 

He grips his wand in a death grip, his hand is sweaty, he moves forward. 

He hears a whimper. Wishful thinking. There’s silence. Meaning Voldemort already did the deed. But Sirius has to have hope.

If he loses his hope, what will give him the strength to fight? 

He finds the dining room empty. The kitchen is empty. The space where he and Remus had the fight mere hours earlier, empty. The bottle of alcohol Sirius had forgotten to put away is still out. The living room is empty. 

Sirius hurries to the stairs. Maybe there’s still a chance to save them. Maybe they've hidden upstairs. 

His heart stops then. He feels each individual heartstring being ripped apart, it feels like someone took the organ right from his chest and was crushing it before his eyes. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t look away. 

James Potter was sprawled out on the first few steps of the stairs. His eyes empty. His chest still. Unmoving. 

Sirius didn’t cry. He couldn’t. The shock froze him. He felt the burning in his eyes and he felt the hope that they would be okay vanish. He couldn’t look anymore. He knelt down beside James. 

Sirius reached out and took James’ hand. 

“James Potter.” He whispered. Looking into the dead man's eyes, “Prongs.” Sirius tried to think of something to say to his best friend. His brother. But no words came. No last words would ever come. With James Potter there couldn’t be last words. 

So Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat and stood up. He stepped over the body. 

He found the first step and made his way up the stairs quickly. He ran down the hallway, throwing open the doors hurriedly as he could. Empty. Empty. Empty. Fucking hell.

Sirius gripped his wand harder. He knelt beside Lily and brushed the hair from her face. He held her face in his hands. Beautiful, Lily. Fierce, strong, kind, clever, beautiful, Lily. She was too stubborn for her own good, How could she be dead? 

Sirius tried not to cry. 

Where was Harry? Harry had to be okay. He had to be. Without Harry, Sirius had nothing. No one but Remus. Remus and Peter. And one of them was guilty. And it wasn’t Remus. Peter the fucking rat.

Sirius found Harry in his crib. The boy wasn’t crying. He had a light trace of red on his head. Blood. Sirius reached into the crib and took Harry into his arms, holding the living boy close. His hope wasn’t gone. He still had Harry. But Harry didn’t have his parents. And Sirius got the answer to his question.

If he loses hope, what will give him the strength to fight?

Anger. 

And Sirius was angry. He held Harry in his shaking arms and wiped the blood off his head, a lightning bolt shaped cut was carved into his skin. Sirius took a shaky breath and turned back to Lily. 

“He’ll be okay. I promise.” Sirius says to Lily. Then he shields Harry’s eyes from his mother's body and he steps over her and leaves the room. He steps over James on the stairs and he doesn’t let a single tear escape. He has to be okay for Harry. 

He carries Harry outside and begins to zip the boy up into his leather jacket so Harry is secure to his chest as they fly. 

“Wait!” Someone yells and Sirius freezes, he holds Harry tight to his chest, and raises his wand. Rubeus Hagrid approaches, arms up in surrender and pink umbrella held in one of them. 

“What do you want?” Sirius asks, wand still raised.

“I’ve been sent for Harry. By Dumbledore. We ‘ave a place fer ‘im ter stay wher’ he’ll be safe.” Hagrid says.

“No. I can’t let you take him.” Sirius says desperately. 

“Sir’us, how would someone like you care fer a baby?”

“I- I can figure it out. I have Remus. I can figure it out.” And it dawns on him.

It wasn’t Remus.

It wasn’t Remus.

It was the rat.

Fucking Pettigrew.

“Remus can’t care fer a child! I promise ya, Harry’ll be safe.”

“Hagrid. Let me take him. I’m his godfather. I’ll take care of him”

Hagrid looks down at Sirius. Pity evident on his face. 

“Give em ter me Sirius.” Hagrid says, guilt coming through in his voice.

“At least take my bike to be safe. Promise me he’ll be okay?” Sirius asks.

“Promise.” Hagrid says, taking the baby from Sirius. Sirius feels his heart break as he watches Hagrid drive away with Harry. But he has to do something. He has to get Peter. And he has to kill him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus receives the tragic news

Remus is pacing again. Sirius should be home. Sirius needs to come home. James and Lily have to be okay. Everyone has to be alright. 

It’s almost six in the morning when an owl taps on the window. Bad news. 

Remus yanks open the window and lets the owl perch on the window sill while he pulls at the letter attached to its leg. 

He is ripping open the envelope when a face appears in the fireplace. 

“Remus?” McGonagall's voice echoes. Remus drops the letter and immediately is on his knees looking into the flames. 

“I’m here. What’s happened? Is everyone okay?” Remus asked, tears already streaked down his face. He tries to calm down his shaking hands but his breath keeps coming in anxious gasps. 

“They sent a letter. But the news is too heavy to read alone.” McGonagall says sadly and Remus doesn’t need to ask. He isn’t even surprised. But the pain runs down his spine and he jolts away from the flames. Pacing once again. 

“I’m sorry Remus.” McGonagall says softly. It doesn’t fix anything. 

“What happened then?” He asks suddenly. He flexes his fingers and tries to get them to stop shaking.

“Sirius… Black sold James and Lily to… he who must not be named. James and Lily are dead. Harry lived. It was a miracle.” McGanagall says.

“No. No. That’s not possible. How…” Remus doesn’t know what to address first. 

“Harry is staying with his Aunt and Uncle. Lily’s sister. I think it best that you do not go to see him.”

“What?” Remus asks. “No way! He’s- he’s Harry. Harry Potter. He’s the son of James and Lily. I can’t not see him!” Remus says, his voice once again cracking in desperation.

“I’m sorry.”

“Wait. Sirius. Sirius lied. He. He fucking lied to me. Our whole. We talked about this. He… he was.. Oh god.” Remus is shaking now. With grief. Anger. He isn’t sure. “Professor. I think you should go.” Remus says, covering his mouth. 

“Remus.”

“Go.” Remus says harshly. So McGonagall ducks out of the fireplace and the embers turn back to ash and Remus is alone. 

He sucks in a breath. He reaches for the letter on the ground and tears it open.

He doesn’t take in half of the words written there. 

‘We regret to inform you...  
James and Lily dead.  
The Potters, a great tragedy.  
Hallowe’en night. October 31, 1981  
Harry Potter, the boy who lived.   
Sirius Black, convicted of fourteen murders.  
Traitor to the Potters, their secret keeper…  
Black cornered Pettigrew  
Thirteen muggles dead  
Pettigrew died a gruesome but courageous death  
Azkaban  
Dead  
Regret  
Hope.  
Dark Lord’s reign has come to an end.  
The savier.’

Remus is heaving in dangerously sharp breaths. He is gasping and sobbing and shaking and the grief courses through him with the weight of all the world's water.

He rips at his own skin. Pulls his own hair. 

He finds the vase of wilted flower Sirius got him for his anniversary and throws it to the ground. It shatters. He throws an empty glass of water one of them had left out on the table. Then he goes through the kitchen cupboards. They don’t own many dishes, but whatever they did own he shatters against their walls.

It’s noon and Remus is shaking. He’s huddled in the dining room, back pressed against the wall. He has no more tears. He’s left staring at nothing. Eyes glazed. Shivering. Arms wrapped around his sore stomach. 

Remus can’t move. He can’t pick himself up. 

But this is the place he and Sirius used to share. The traitor. Betrayal. 

He can’t stay here.

So Remus picks himself up and walks to his bedroom to gather the few belongings he needs. He sees the unmade bed that he and Sirius shared. The bed where they… Remus squeezed his eyes shut, he couldn’t think about that. He had trusted Sirius. He trusted him. 

Remus can’t bare to take anything that the two of them had owned together, so he only grabs his wand and apparates himself to his parents old house. His parents were killed early on in the war. The house was small and broken down so it wouldn’t sell. 

Remus finds his old room. But he can’t deal with the memories of his childhood. Or the marauders. So he finds his parents room and curls under the dusty and mildew riddled blankets and he lets dry empty sobs wrack his body over and over as he stares blankly at the ceiling. Dry tears staining his cheeks and his mouth contorted into silent screams of pain and grief and anger and guilt. 

The letter bearing the news of the deaths is still gripped in one of his hands, crumpled into a small wad of parchment. He keeps unfolding it to read it again, only so he can squish it back into a small ball in anger. They were hardly even 22 years old. 

At least with all his hope gone, he doesn’t have anything left to fight for or against.


End file.
